I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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