My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
