I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
A bitchslap is in order.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
