I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
