All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
