Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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