so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
