I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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