My nipple is on Facebook.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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