he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
