there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
