EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
