i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
