He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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