god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
