I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
