Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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