Pants 0. Shit 1.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
