How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
