There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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