Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
