your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
