By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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