"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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