His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
