on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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