her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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