I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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