youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
