Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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