Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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