It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The beer is more important than you right now.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
