I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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