I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
