It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
