I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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