We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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