Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Randomize
