Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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