Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
