I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
did you just send me my own nude
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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