Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
