I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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