she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
