Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
