remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
