I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
