if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
