dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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