I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
